Christmas Eve

We did the annual "Santa run" today, dropping off all the Christmas presents.

First we dropped off gifts with my godmother. I bought her a No.7 gift set and a bottle of wine, I got her son a nice Beano pen and mechanical pencil set, and her boyfriend (I've only met him twice), a box of chocolates!

Next we went to see my sister-in-law and the kids! We bought a mini skateboard for Emily, play dough for Thomas and an outfit each for the twins from the disney shop!

Finally we went to Des' parents. We planned on not buying presents for any of the adults this year, but we did see a pepper grinder with 3 different colours of peppercorns in them that we knew they'd like - They're well into that decorative fruit/veg/etc stuff for their kitchen!

I have to go back out later on to drop off Sarah's Lindt gift, and then we're off to my parents overnight...We're spending Christmas day with them!

I fed Ethan and Zoe fed Euan...and Des kept Emily & Thomas occupied! Ethan has a pretty bad cold right now and Euan is starting with one, so they've got a prescription for nose drops - which will be fun for poor Zoe!

Emily & Thomas are looking forward to Santa visiting them tonight! They already have a ton of presents under the tree, but there's loads more to come tonight! I would love to watch their faces opening presents, but that won't happen for at least a few years anyway...So Zoe promised to have her camera charged and be sat in the lounge before they walk in so I can see their faces! Yay!!

One of Zoe's elderly neighbours bought the kids a selection box each, and since Uncle Des made Emily cry, Zoe let the kids open their selection boxes and eat a bar of chocolate...so I got one pic of them opening one of the boxes!

It was so nice spending time with them again, and we even played outside on the trampoline since it wasn't raining or windy!

In un-Christmas but kid-related news, Thomas failed his hearing test. They *think* he is deaf in one ear and has moderate hearing loss in the other. He can say a few words, but he is behind the 'average' in that department.

Anyway...Some pics!

Emily:

Thomas:

Ethan:

Euan:

The twins are identical...but I can already tell the difference! I'm so impressed with myself, as I thought it was going to be impossible during their first 6-12 months at least! They're 5 weeks old and I've visited 3 times...AND Zoe is still dressing them identical until evening time...So yeah, I'm impressed I can tell them apart!

I can't call you my "baby sister" anymore!

21 qualifies as an adult, so from now on, I promise not to call you "baby sister" unless you're not around!

I know your real birhday isn't till Thursday, but have a great birthday week, and don't get too drunk and break your other ankle!!

Love you lots!!

Today, I feel sad.

I'm having such a down day today and I don't even know why. There's been a constant lump in my throat and I've been on the brink of tears for almost the entire day.

I've been feeling so awful that I've not even started my Christmas shopping, I have no idea what we're doing over the Christmas period and we don't even have heating because it's too expensive. We are seriously spending around £40 a week on gas and the radiators are giving off the smallest amount of heat possible. Our fire hasn't been fitted and I'm sure we're getting a draft from the chimney and also around the doors and windows.

I'm just so fed up, and tired. I want to sleep away the days until I feel better.

I've been thinking about why I'm feeling this way. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the horrific week just gone and the anxiety over my sisters birthday party tomorrow, but I also think that a lot of the problem is just the fact it's Christmas...and our 5th one childless since we began trying for a baby.

Around this time 5 years ago, I was the happiest person alive...This year, I feel like the unhappiest person alive. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for everything I do have, but I'm also feeling sad about the one thing I don't have. The one thing that would make me complete. The one thing that would make me happier than I've ever been. That one thing is a child...My very own family. Christmas, for me, is a time for family and togetherness.

As the date fast approaches that I lost my first baby, I feel numb. How can 5 years have passed me by so quickly? How can 5 years of trying for a baby result in nothing but heartache?

I always think about the way things should have been. I would have had a child in school now, a child that would have been excited to see Santa. A child that would call me "Mummy" and make everything better with just a hug, or a giggle. Instead, I watch everyone else experiencing that joy. Everyone except me.

Going into 2009, at least I'll have some answers. I know that I have PCOS and that is what's preventing my dreams coming true...I'll never understand what I did wrong to have to deal with this crap though. I just wonder that whether we have to take the surrogacy route, or the adoption path, if all the waiting will make me a better mother? I certainly hope so!

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied

With confidence in his voice

I give many women babies

When they leave it is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God

I want my baby here

He took a breath

and cleared his throat

And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear

My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillows where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

Mommy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lessons are through

And on the day you come home

they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on earth

May not realize

Until their time is done

Remember all the love you have

And know that you are

A Special Mom

Author Unknown

My hair

It's my sisters birthday party on Sunday, so I decided to dye my hair. I wanted it really dark so I left the colour on for 2 hours...but it's still not as dark as I wanted it to be *sigh*.

Ah well, I may buy a black colour before Sunday, if I don't manage to get out, then I guess it will do.

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree!

We put our tree up a little earlier than usual this year.

Normally I'd wait until December 19th, which is the day after my little sisters birthday. She hates sharing her birthday and Christmas, but since she doesn't live here, I decided it was time to go into the attic and drag out the decorations!

Des was out of the house at 6am and didn't get home till after 8pm. He does one long day at work every three weeks, so I decided to surprise him!

The photographs I took didn;t turn out great, but I'm working on using the manual mode on my camera, so that's to be expected, I suppose.

I'll probably take some more photographs over the next few days, but here's a couple for you to enjoy for now!

They grow so fast!

I'm just so glad I'm close enough to my sister in law that I get to see the kids often...That way I see them growing up myself, instead of seeing it through photos. So here is my update on all of them:

Emily: How did my little neice become 7? She'll be 8 in March, and that is just crazy! This year, she's lost almost all of her teeth! The dentist removed 9 all at once - but the tooth fairy only pays half for rotten teeth, so she has stopped eating so many sweets and is looking after them now!

Emily also became a big sister for the 3rd and 4th time, and she's so wonderful. She's a great help to my sister in law and she looks after Thomas & the twins so well!

She's doing great in school and she still calls her best friend, Christopher, her "boyfriend"! So cute! Christopher is a Liverpool FC supporter and Des was hoping he'd get Em to support Liverpool too, but she's still into Manchester United!! Uncle Adam obviously got to her first, so Des is now hoping Thomas will be a Liverpool supporter like him!

Thomas: My baby boy will celebrate his 2nd birthday next month. TWO?! I can't believe he grew up that quickly! It seems like just yesterday we met him for the very first time and took him on his first Zoo trip when he was 3 months old. After that it was the aquarium, Welsh mountain zoo and lots of other fun places!

Tom now has a full set of teeth and is saying some words. He's a little behind in talking so is seeing a speech therapist. He's also off for a hearing test next week to rule that out! His favourite word is "Nemo"!

Thomas is always happy and laughing, and whenever I go round he gets excited because I take my camera. He will pose like there's no tomorrow, and laugh and giggle through 100 or more photographs! This is great for me because I'm making another scrapbook for my sister in law, so I need all the photos of the kids I can get! Funny thing is that he never smiles for him mum when she wants to take pics of him! LOL! It's our thing!

Thomas also became a big brother for the first and second time this year. He doesn't like it though, so we have to make sure we make a huge fuss of him whenever we visit! Don't worry though, it's not hard! He loves reading and he loves igglepiggle, so we play with igglepiggle and read and it's all good!

Ethan: is 3 weeks old on Tuesday. In his 3 weeks of life, he's become a great sleeper during the day and a great wide-awaker at night! He's doted on my his big sister and is now weighing almost 5lbs!

Ethan looks just like his Dad, which is wierd because although him and Euan are identical, Euan looks more like his mum! It must be the hair! He's kind of bald on top and he has tufty hair around the sides! Heh!

I think Ethan is going to become a fan of the camera, just like his oldr brother, Thomas!

Euan: will also be 3 weeks old on Tuesday. He's a great sleeper at night and likes to be asleep at night time! He's weighing over 4lbs now and is home from the hospital in time for Christmas. The miracle twin really is a miracle!

Euan is a smaller version of his identical brother, Ethan. His nose is so tiny but still a little crusty from having the feeding tube in for so long. His little hand is also black and purple where the hospital took blood from him before he came home.

Twenty tiny fingers, and twenty tiny toes...

My twin nephews were born on November 18th, 2008 and today I got to meet them for the very first time!

Ethan was born at 11:25am and weighed 4lbs 11ozs and Euan was born at 11:40am and weighed 3lbs 11ozs.

Ethan was allowed home with my sister-in-law when he was a couple of days old and he's gained half an ounce. Poor Euan has spent his whole life so far in the special care baby unit, however, he's now taking the bottle on a fairly regular basis and he's gained 5 ounces since his birth - the little porker!

Here are some pics of Ethan:

And here are some pics of Euan:

Here's a photograph of half of the family (Thomas, Zoe & Ethan):

And my nephew, Thomas:

Sparklers!

I finally got the settings right on my camera to take firework photos...But I fell asleep before I could head out and take some pictures!

My sister and I bought some sparklers and played around with them! It was sooo much fun! And I have 5 sparklers left to play with at a later date!

We had some snow...

We were snowed in until the gritters came the next morning!

The snowfall was so sudden, and so thick! The news said we had 4 inches overnight!!

These were my first ever 'snow' type photos...And it was 3am. Plus I took the pics out of the window, so they're no great, but here you go:

Kristy's trip to Manchester

Kristy came to stay with me for just under a week on the last leg of her Europe trip. She'd been to Denmark, London, Croatia and finally Manchester.

It was lovely to finally meet her after so long, and we had a pretty good week despite having to take a trip to the fracture clinic to have my ankle re-plastered!

We went to see Blackpool illuminations and had fish & chips on the promenade, we saw the Trafford Centre and spent a little bit too much money! What else? Um...Oh, we visited Chester Zoo and finally Warwick Castle. We also had tattoos done.

Are you ready for the pics?

Chester Zoo:

Warwick Castle:

The Tattoo's: