New Years Goals

I have a few goals this year. Those of you that read my blog or know me in person, will know that I've been trying for a baby for over 5 years now...All of my goals for this year I've centered around my dream to become a mother.

1) Quit smoking
2) Lose weight
3) Keep pestering the doctor for fertility treatments
4) Save more money
5) Randomly act out of kindness wherever possible
6) Take some photography classes

So, I do have the beginnings of a plan in place to put all of these into place.

Quitting Smoking:

Many of you will know that I did a stint of not smoking for 6 or 7 months back in 2006/2007. I started smoking once again after my mum, sister and dad were all hospitalized within a period of 2 months.

I also started my newest quit plan on December 1st, although I've had a few stresses that have made the goal hard to acheive. I know it's just making excuses...Next year WILL be different.

I have a supply of nicotine patches from when I went to the smoking clinic at the beginning of the month, and also some nicotine losenges. They'll be handy when I quit from January 1st.

Losing Weight:

My weight has never bothered me too much. I've never had any type of illness from being overweight, I don't have issues with blood pressure or heartbeat, I can exercise and walk for extended periods of time without falling down from exhaustion and I've always been comfortable in my own skin. However, I know that this could be one of the factors preventing me from conceiving.

I was thinking to myself that if I wanted my dream to come true so much, then I would do whatever it takes. If losing weight may help, even just the slightest bit, it's worth doing. And besides, it would possibly mean that any pregnancy would be healthier anyway, so that's a good way to look at it in my opinion.

At the MoA forum, a group of regular posters are going to lose the weight together and help each other out. Jane has had an idea which I am going to steal from her...Her goal is to walk to Magic Kingdom by the date her daughter, Freja's, isolation period is finished.

I don't know where I want to 'walk' to in terms of distance, but I think it's a good way to do things, and something that will personally motivate me! I'll be going shopping for a pedometer at some point this week!

Pestering my GP for a fertility clinic referral/fertility treatment:

This is not going to be an easy feat. My GP has told me that he wouldn't be looking to refer me to a fertility clinic till I'm 30. I've decided that if he doesn't want to refer me, then I will wave goodbye and try to find a different GP who is willing to help me.

My personal opinion on this whole age thing, is that if a patient is mature enough, stable enough emotionally and financially, willing to go to any kind of length to have a child etc, then they should not be telling them to wait 8 years to get help. That is ridiculous. He wouldn't even offer me treatment for the PCOS, other than going on the birth control pill to regulate my cycle and make it lighter.

We'll try wholeheartedly for a baby over the next 12 months, and if we can get a referral to a fertility clinic, great, if not and we've tried different GP's, private healthcare etc, then we'll consider our other options. First on the list would be paying way over the odds to go to the private hospital and getting a consultation for IUI/IVF/whatever they recommend, secondly we'd look at the possibility of surrogacy and adoption. I'm not sure how those options would work for us, but we will cross that bridge if and when we come to it.

Save more money:

Pretty easy one, but something we need to work into our lower budget. It may take a couple of months to get some steady savings going, but I want to have £1,000 saved by the end of 2009.

Randomly act out of kindness wherever possible:

I've seen this kind of thing on TV and online, where people will go to the McDonalds drive thru, for example, and pay for the person behind them to eat...Or go to a coffee shop and pay for the next persons coffee etc.

I like to think that I do sort of do random acts of kindness already by taking my neice/nephew out for no particular reason, or helping someone in the family. Heck, even offering to pick my friends up from town after a boozy night or whatever. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I want to branch out a little...Act kindly towards a stranger...We'll see how that works out as I don't really have a clear cut way of how I'm going to do this!

Take some photography classes:

For the past 6 years, since I've left school and worked full-time, my weekends have been taken up with working. Every other Saturday I work between 1pm and 9pm...and I HATE IT! Finally, I'm doing a 'normal' 9am - 5pm shift, and after January I won't be working weekends anymore, so I have two days in a row off work every week!

I planned to do some online classes for photography with the Open University in May, however, the money I put aside for it had to be spent on house stuff, so I never took the classes afterall. Next month I'm going to have a look at some local colleges that offer weekend classes, and I will be looking to sign up on Saturday mornings. I'd like to learn the ins and outs of my camera, learn about photoshop and also about studio set ups and lighting. That should keep me busy for a while, and if I get good at photography, I might even be able to earn some extra cash on a Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning!

So, those are my goals. And I'm really willing to change my entire lifestyle to accomplish them!

On a slightly unrelated note...My sister-in-law messaged me on Facebook and asked if I could e-mail her some of the photographs I took of the kids this year...I sent about 200 edited shots to her of Emily, Thomas, Ethan and Euan, and she put them on memory cards for everyone in the family both on her side and her husbands side.

I went to my other sister-in-laws Christmas/New Year/Anniversary/Birthday/House warming party yesterday, and she was displaying all of the pics on her HUGE digital photo frame and they were getting lots of really nice comments...That made me feel so good!

I'm going to offer my 3rd sister-in-law my not-yet-so-great services and put together a maternity/baby scrapbook or photobook if she decides she'd like me to do it. I'm not really that close to her, but she's 20+ weeks pregnant with her first baby and since I do this for my sister-in-law, Zoe, all the time, I think it would be nice to offer to do the same for her, too!

Christmas Eve

We did the annual "Santa run" today, dropping off all the Christmas presents.

First we dropped off gifts with my godmother. I bought her a No.7 gift set and a bottle of wine, I got her son a nice Beano pen and mechanical pencil set, and her boyfriend (I've only met him twice), a box of chocolates!

Next we went to see my sister-in-law and the kids! We bought a mini skateboard for Emily, play dough for Thomas and an outfit each for the twins from the disney shop!

Finally we went to Des' parents. We planned on not buying presents for any of the adults this year, but we did see a pepper grinder with 3 different colours of peppercorns in them that we knew they'd like - They're well into that decorative fruit/veg/etc stuff for their kitchen!

I have to go back out later on to drop off Sarah's Lindt gift, and then we're off to my parents overnight...We're spending Christmas day with them!

I fed Ethan and Zoe fed Euan...and Des kept Emily & Thomas occupied! Ethan has a pretty bad cold right now and Euan is starting with one, so they've got a prescription for nose drops - which will be fun for poor Zoe!

Emily & Thomas are looking forward to Santa visiting them tonight! They already have a ton of presents under the tree, but there's loads more to come tonight! I would love to watch their faces opening presents, but that won't happen for at least a few years anyway...So Zoe promised to have her camera charged and be sat in the lounge before they walk in so I can see their faces! Yay!!

One of Zoe's elderly neighbours bought the kids a selection box each, and since Uncle Des made Emily cry, Zoe let the kids open their selection boxes and eat a bar of chocolate...so I got one pic of them opening one of the boxes!

It was so nice spending time with them again, and we even played outside on the trampoline since it wasn't raining or windy!

In un-Christmas but kid-related news, Thomas failed his hearing test. They *think* he is deaf in one ear and has moderate hearing loss in the other. He can say a few words, but he is behind the 'average' in that department.

Anyway...Some pics!

Emily:

Thomas:

Ethan:

Euan:

The twins are identical...but I can already tell the difference! I'm so impressed with myself, as I thought it was going to be impossible during their first 6-12 months at least! They're 5 weeks old and I've visited 3 times...AND Zoe is still dressing them identical until evening time...So yeah, I'm impressed I can tell them apart!

I can't call you my "baby sister" anymore!

21 qualifies as an adult, so from now on, I promise not to call you "baby sister" unless you're not around!

I know your real birhday isn't till Thursday, but have a great birthday week, and don't get too drunk and break your other ankle!!

Love you lots!!

Today, I feel sad.

I'm having such a down day today and I don't even know why. There's been a constant lump in my throat and I've been on the brink of tears for almost the entire day.

I've been feeling so awful that I've not even started my Christmas shopping, I have no idea what we're doing over the Christmas period and we don't even have heating because it's too expensive. We are seriously spending around £40 a week on gas and the radiators are giving off the smallest amount of heat possible. Our fire hasn't been fitted and I'm sure we're getting a draft from the chimney and also around the doors and windows.

I'm just so fed up, and tired. I want to sleep away the days until I feel better.

I've been thinking about why I'm feeling this way. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the horrific week just gone and the anxiety over my sisters birthday party tomorrow, but I also think that a lot of the problem is just the fact it's Christmas...and our 5th one childless since we began trying for a baby.

Around this time 5 years ago, I was the happiest person alive...This year, I feel like the unhappiest person alive. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for everything I do have, but I'm also feeling sad about the one thing I don't have. The one thing that would make me complete. The one thing that would make me happier than I've ever been. That one thing is a child...My very own family. Christmas, for me, is a time for family and togetherness.

As the date fast approaches that I lost my first baby, I feel numb. How can 5 years have passed me by so quickly? How can 5 years of trying for a baby result in nothing but heartache?

I always think about the way things should have been. I would have had a child in school now, a child that would have been excited to see Santa. A child that would call me "Mummy" and make everything better with just a hug, or a giggle. Instead, I watch everyone else experiencing that joy. Everyone except me.

Going into 2009, at least I'll have some answers. I know that I have PCOS and that is what's preventing my dreams coming true...I'll never understand what I did wrong to have to deal with this crap though. I just wonder that whether we have to take the surrogacy route, or the adoption path, if all the waiting will make me a better mother? I certainly hope so!

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied

With confidence in his voice

I give many women babies

When they leave it is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God

I want my baby here

He took a breath

and cleared his throat

And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear

My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillows where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

Mommy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lessons are through

And on the day you come home

they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on earth

May not realize

Until their time is done

Remember all the love you have

And know that you are

A Special Mom

Author Unknown

My hair

It's my sisters birthday party on Sunday, so I decided to dye my hair. I wanted it really dark so I left the colour on for 2 hours...but it's still not as dark as I wanted it to be *sigh*.

Ah well, I may buy a black colour before Sunday, if I don't manage to get out, then I guess it will do.

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree!

We put our tree up a little earlier than usual this year.

Normally I'd wait until December 19th, which is the day after my little sisters birthday. She hates sharing her birthday and Christmas, but since she doesn't live here, I decided it was time to go into the attic and drag out the decorations!

Des was out of the house at 6am and didn't get home till after 8pm. He does one long day at work every three weeks, so I decided to surprise him!

The photographs I took didn;t turn out great, but I'm working on using the manual mode on my camera, so that's to be expected, I suppose.

I'll probably take some more photographs over the next few days, but here's a couple for you to enjoy for now!

They grow so fast!

I'm just so glad I'm close enough to my sister in law that I get to see the kids often...That way I see them growing up myself, instead of seeing it through photos. So here is my update on all of them:

Emily: How did my little neice become 7? She'll be 8 in March, and that is just crazy! This year, she's lost almost all of her teeth! The dentist removed 9 all at once - but the tooth fairy only pays half for rotten teeth, so she has stopped eating so many sweets and is looking after them now!

Emily also became a big sister for the 3rd and 4th time, and she's so wonderful. She's a great help to my sister in law and she looks after Thomas & the twins so well!

She's doing great in school and she still calls her best friend, Christopher, her "boyfriend"! So cute! Christopher is a Liverpool FC supporter and Des was hoping he'd get Em to support Liverpool too, but she's still into Manchester United!! Uncle Adam obviously got to her first, so Des is now hoping Thomas will be a Liverpool supporter like him!

Thomas: My baby boy will celebrate his 2nd birthday next month. TWO?! I can't believe he grew up that quickly! It seems like just yesterday we met him for the very first time and took him on his first Zoo trip when he was 3 months old. After that it was the aquarium, Welsh mountain zoo and lots of other fun places!

Tom now has a full set of teeth and is saying some words. He's a little behind in talking so is seeing a speech therapist. He's also off for a hearing test next week to rule that out! His favourite word is "Nemo"!

Thomas is always happy and laughing, and whenever I go round he gets excited because I take my camera. He will pose like there's no tomorrow, and laugh and giggle through 100 or more photographs! This is great for me because I'm making another scrapbook for my sister in law, so I need all the photos of the kids I can get! Funny thing is that he never smiles for him mum when she wants to take pics of him! LOL! It's our thing!

Thomas also became a big brother for the first and second time this year. He doesn't like it though, so we have to make sure we make a huge fuss of him whenever we visit! Don't worry though, it's not hard! He loves reading and he loves igglepiggle, so we play with igglepiggle and read and it's all good!

Ethan: is 3 weeks old on Tuesday. In his 3 weeks of life, he's become a great sleeper during the day and a great wide-awaker at night! He's doted on my his big sister and is now weighing almost 5lbs!

Ethan looks just like his Dad, which is wierd because although him and Euan are identical, Euan looks more like his mum! It must be the hair! He's kind of bald on top and he has tufty hair around the sides! Heh!

I think Ethan is going to become a fan of the camera, just like his oldr brother, Thomas!

Euan: will also be 3 weeks old on Tuesday. He's a great sleeper at night and likes to be asleep at night time! He's weighing over 4lbs now and is home from the hospital in time for Christmas. The miracle twin really is a miracle!

Euan is a smaller version of his identical brother, Ethan. His nose is so tiny but still a little crusty from having the feeding tube in for so long. His little hand is also black and purple where the hospital took blood from him before he came home.