Sunday, 14 December 2008

Today, I feel sad.


I'm having such a down day today and I don't even know why. There's been a constant lump in my throat and I've been on the brink of tears for almost the entire day.

I've been feeling so awful that I've not even started my Christmas shopping, I have no idea what we're doing over the Christmas period and we don't even have heating because it's too expensive. We are seriously spending around £40 a week on gas and the radiators are giving off the smallest amount of heat possible. Our fire hasn't been fitted and I'm sure we're getting a draft from the chimney and also around the doors and windows.

I'm just so fed up, and tired. I want to sleep away the days until I feel better.

I've been thinking about why I'm feeling this way. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the horrific week just gone and the anxiety over my sisters birthday party tomorrow, but I also think that a lot of the problem is just the fact it's Christmas...and our 5th one childless since we began trying for a baby.

Around this time 5 years ago, I was the happiest person alive...This year, I feel like the unhappiest person alive. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for everything I do have, but I'm also feeling sad about the one thing I don't have. The one thing that would make me complete. The one thing that would make me happier than I've ever been. That one thing is a child...My very own family. Christmas, for me, is a time for family and togetherness.

As the date fast approaches that I lost my first baby, I feel numb. How can 5 years have passed me by so quickly? How can 5 years of trying for a baby result in nothing but heartache?

I always think about the way things should have been. I would have had a child in school now, a child that would have been excited to see Santa. A child that would call me "Mummy" and make everything better with just a hug, or a giggle. Instead, I watch everyone else experiencing that joy. Everyone except me.

Going into 2009, at least I'll have some answers. I know that I have PCOS and that is what's preventing my dreams coming true...I'll never understand what I did wrong to have to deal with this crap though. I just wonder that whether we have to take the surrogacy route, or the adoption path, if all the waiting will make me a better mother? I certainly hope so!


I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom

Author Unknown

1 comment:

jayneH said...

This makes me so sad Claire i desperately hope that you will have the baby that you so want, i know the pain of losing a child and it truely is awful but one day i know that your dream will come true and you will make a fantastic mother,
love to you Jayne x